Why do other people’s achievements cause such pain?
Compare yourself with others is unproductive, but in reality it is unlikely to prohibit yourself any comparisons. The desire to compare will not go anywhere, but will only become less conscious and begin to harm the harm, choosing unexpected moments and methods. Is it possible to influence it?
What happens to us when we compare?
“The children of a friend began to speak before mine”, “a classmate has their own business, although I always studied better”, “acquaintances have been traveling several times a year, and I have not gone anywhere for a long time”, “she came only six months ago, and already received a promotion».
Comparing our successes with what others have achieved, we seem to cease to notice ourselves, our attention is focused on others. We forget what we have achieved, what we succeeded in, mentally “falling through” into someone else’s life. The achievements of others seem significant, and we easily depreciate our own: «What I have achieved can for everyone».
Why what the other has is so significant?
Most likely, in some field of life, we experience chronic dissatisfaction. Perhaps we are stubbornly but unsuccessfully trying to build a career. We pass additional courses, increase experience, show the initiative, however, no matter how hard we try, a colleague receives an increase. Or we can’t meet a suitable partner in any way, the wrong ones come across, the relationship does not last long or cause pain.
It is not so important what exactly we feel like losers-in a career, in personal relationships, in raising children or in something else. The main thing is that we try our best, but we notice that others manage to achieve more with less effort. Usually at this moment a feeling of injustice, resentment, and maybe anger at those who are more successful, appears.
An unpleasant desire to compare is unlikely to arise where our results arrange us. However
, in the area where we have to spend titanic, according to our sensations, efforts, luck that smiled to another, wounds especially painful.
In what situations I most often compare myself with others?
Observe in which area of life the comparison causes the greatest inconvenience. Where, it seems to you, you have not achieved enough? Now imagine that you have the desired. For example, you were raised or you met the ideal person with whom you are ready to build a family. How will you feel in this case?
Do not rush to answer that buy yourself an expensive car or start plan a joint trip. It is more important to focus on the feeling that these purchases or actions will give you. It seems to us that things or people can make us happy. However, in fact, they often only help to experience something that cannot be felt independently. So the last model of the iPhone can symbolize a particular category of people.
Success is subjective, not everyone dreams of their own yacht or clothing of fashionable brands. However, the lifestyle that one of the acquaintances leads may seem especially attractive. It is important to ask yourself: what kind of people are they attract me, why I want to be like them? What will mean for me belonging to their group?
Such thoughts often return us to childhood. Some were taught to save, even when the family budget allows you to buy a more expensive thing, others were tuned to be the first everywhere. And someone will notice that the thirst for achievements is another attempt to finally earn the love of parents.
We reformulate the problem
Sometimes, having discovered deeper roots of the problem, we notice how the degree of internal stress subsides at the sight of more successful people. In this case, we understand that we can get what we want in another way, or we are convinced that we want another.
But it happens and vice versa: having looked at the problem from the other side, we touch a more long and painful topic. Even if an understanding of the source of discomfort did not completely eliminate it, now we can reformulate the problem. Instead of an abstract dream “a lot of earnings” there will be a desire to learn how to dispose of the budget differently or it will become clearer for us, what kind of wealth we strive for.
Do not scold yourself when you compare yourself again with someone. Any feelings are always an opportunity to learn a little more to yourself. Trying to understand what exactly the situation hurts us, we increase the chances to finally choose the key to what has long been disturbing.